I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
