party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
