I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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