I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
