If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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