Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
