I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
