the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
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