My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
