made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
