two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
