Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
