Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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