is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
