SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
