if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
