Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
