Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
