then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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