I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
