It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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