So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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