My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
