I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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