Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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