I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
even my farts smell like vagina
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
