hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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