just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
