I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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