I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I love you. Go after that dick
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
