i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
