did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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