I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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