why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I am mentally ready for anal.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
