My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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