So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
