Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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