if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize