I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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