Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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