And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
