Where is the hickey?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
