I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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