Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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