Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
