I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize