It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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