I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
