OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Randomize
