I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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