i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
