And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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