It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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