I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
