Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
So gin and wine won't be happening again
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
