I accidentally had phone sex last night
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Randomize