my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You are the jesus of drinking
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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