Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Randomize
