They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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