I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
